Hey guys, I am really happy to have all the support from my readers, students and friends, so thank you all. The last blog I wrote was my 100th post and as small as that might seem to some, for me it is awesome. I started writing the blog to just find another way to communicate my thoughts and reach out to others with similar interests and for some therapy. It turned out to be a pretty good idea and allowed me to give people insight into my personal life in a way that I don't normally. All that being said and in lieu of some recent happenings I think it's time to talk about my father and how martial arts taught me the lessons that he didn't, including how to accept him.
I turned 41 years of age on September 14th of this year and on that day I received a message from my father saying that he apologized for our non-relationship etc.. I responded to that and it set the wheels in motion that has us meeting for dinner in Chicago when I go to watch the Glory 11 kickboxing event. I don't think I could possibly do justice to the rollercoaster ride that is my relationship with my father but I will try.
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| NCAA finals vs N.C. State |
My father whom from this point forward I'll call Senior. I am calling him Senior because we share a name and I was never fond of it because of our relationship and still feel uncomfortable with it at times. Senior was a basketball superstar in Chicago and had a very well known
college career at Marquette University as well as playing the NBA.I would hear these legendary stories from people in Chicago in the neighborhood I grew up in as well as in Texas and in Miami from random people. Once I was working as a bag clerk at a grocery store in Texas and as the man whose groceries I was bagging saw my name tag he laughed and jokingly said, "You wouldn't be related to Lloyd Walton that played at Marquette University would you?. I responded,"That's my father.". The man's mouth dropped as he went on to tell me how amazing he was and how he once held him to "35 points", and that was as good job in his book. I smiled as the man asked how he was doing and I gave him a generic answer because the truth was that I really didn't know. My father and I have always had a strained relationship. He was never married to my mother and was in and out of my life past the age of three or four. I never really knew when I would see him, but I would often hear stories of his greatness. The men in my family, my cousins, uncles, and grandfather had serious problems with substance abuse and Senior was no different. He had succumbed to his addiction and lost his NBA career along the way. I watched from a distance as my family structure crumbled and when I needed a male figure in my life there wasn't any available, but there was always martial arts. Even when my mom and I moved to Texas the lessons taught in Kung fu movies and Tae Kwon Do classes are the ones that stuck with me. Discipline, courage, hard work, and peace through connecting mind, body, and spirit. All of these lessons were fantastic however there was something missing. Not as a detriment or disrespect to my mother, aunt, grandmother, and other aunts and women in my life but there was no man around to teach me how to be a man. The women in my life worked tirelessly to teach me how to be a good person but I can honestly say that I am still a product of not having a father figure always around. I learned plenty about life while playing sports, and I have played plenty competitively growing up. However for a boy, nothing compares to having a male figure to look up to and emulate.
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| Milwaukee Bucks1979 |
Where senior faulted, martial arts took over. From reading IRON FIST comic books, to Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, to The Last Dragon, I was all in. I still am and always will be a martial artist, I devoted my time to it even if it was just reading about it and it carried me through every kind of pain you could imagine. It even carried me through the pain of having to let go of the idea of having Senior around. I suppose it sounds a little whiny, but I was constantly in the shadow of my father. He was considered a great ball player and he never was completely out of my life or the NBA. I would hear stories about him, see him on television, read stories in the newspaper, and for a time he was the director of the Jordan center in Chicago, a coach in the development league, he even ran for political office. He has always been in the spotlight and people would always ask about him and why I didn't play ball, and wasn't like him. It's damn hard to live up to a name you share but barely even know.
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| Me saying appropriately, "Finally". |
Over the years there have been chunks of time when senior and I didn't speak. five years here seven years there. Also, several times of reconciliation without serious commitment on either side to continue communications after. I always welcomed some sort of dialogue but it was never a consistent effort. As I began to fight and win I began to realize my true passion and create my own name. I have garnered the respect of my peers and no longer feel like I'm living in the shadow of Senior. Now when I have feelings of doubt, or depression, or uncertainty I train my arts, and they in turn help to calm my soul. So after all this time and finally reaching a place that I can accept myself, maybe I can also choose to accept him whether in my life or not. Time will tell.
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