FEAR

Dressing room pre-fight

                As the days leading up to the competition turn into weeks and the weeks quietly become months there is a literal roller coaster of emotion that overtakes a fighters psyche. There is a mix of anxiety, frustration, happiness, a feeling off being a warrior prepared for battle at anytime and a feeling of fear that most couldn't handle. It is the way in which we see ourselves change and evolve on a daily basis and sometimes the emotions can change by the second. Our brains are flooded with questions; Is my opponent better than me? Have I trained enough? Why am I doing this? Maybe I should just quit. And this is just the tip of the iceberg it can go deeper and deeper even seeping into the fighter's personal life. Fear is the great revealer. Whomever a fighter thinks they are can be deciphered by what they do with their fear. Can they use it to become better at their craft or will they fall victim like so many before them and crumble at their opponents feet or even make it to the fight at all.
              During my camp for any competition I generally start out very upset with myself and that is on a good or a bad day. I have a genuine anger aimed at myself for not being better. I love greatness and I may not ever be great but I want to feel like I am working as hard as the great ones do, and regardless of how many hours I put in I never feel like it's enough. I eventually get passed those feelings in a few weeks and then I start to question my opponent and how good they might be and if I should even continue on and if I have an injury I wonder to myself if its enough to make me stop training and even call off the fight or drop from the competition. The answer unequivocally is a resounding no I will never quit and every moment I'm not training my opponent probably is so I have to keep working. If you catch me around this time and ask me if I'm ready or how do I feel I will always have jokingly tell you that "I am terrified". Half joking...
                By the last few weeks of training I am a ball of anxiety. Nothing is as good as it should be and if I can't correct it I am pissed off. I have turned my stress and anger outward at this point. I can safely say that it is not a time to pick at me and I am in no way satisfied with anything. I want to fight so bad but I know I am not where I want to be. I do know however that there is no way I am being out trained. I am putting in the work. That was all motivated by fear. I have heard other fighters say similar things about being motivated by the fear, not of the other fighter but about what could happen about "getting caught". This is a commonly used phrase in the fighting world meaning a fighter got clipped by a punch, a kick or even a submission they didn't see coming or they fell into as in, " I was doing great and just got caught". That fear is real, when it is said like that it is meant to say that at that moment it was out of your control the same as getting bitten by a shark, it just happened. Every day is a day training to be the one catching the other guy.

Erupting post fight

               The reality though is that we will get punched and kicked and choked and people will cheer or boo or yell ridiculous things that should be saved for pro wrestling i.e. "rip his fucking head off" or "fucking kill him"(really not trying to kill anybody j/s) but most will never understand what it is that you are voluntarily doing. Risking your health both mental and physical for the entertainment of the spectator and the promoters wallet. In return for this we get to stare deep into our own souls and determine that we are not weak or afraid, we are in fact brave. There is a moment where the fear disappears, maybe in the dressing room or as they announce your name or you step through the ropes but when that threshold is crossed you've officially realized that fear is everything because it pushed you and at that very same moment you realize it is nothing.